ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE?
2017-07-20

Tim and Ruth were in their 20s and happily married. In the third year of their marriage, crisis struck and Ruth was diagnosed with Stage 2 ovarian cancer.  She was distraught. Now, not only was she unable to conceive but her life is in danger. Tim feared losing her and the marriage.  Life was tough for both of them. Ruth struggled with the physical pain and the emotional turmoil while Tim was physically tired and drained from the frequent commutes to the hospital for her treatments.

Amazingly, Tim never complained during their ordeal.  He made a choice not to bail out on the marriage, and stayed committed.  Tim was there for her in her pain. He was her source of comfort and pillar of strength, bringing her for frequent walks in the park, simple dinners whenever they could afford it and cooked her meals.

After ten harrowing months, her conditioned improved and she was well. They were both relieved and overjoyed. If not for this crisis, they would have never discovered the resilience and strength of their relationship. Tim’s commitment to the marriage was tested and he stayed true to his marriage vows.  Ruth testified that without her husband’s commitment, she would have lost all hope to live on.

COMMITMENT is one of the pillars of a good foundation in marriage.

I am not referring to commitment to a 6-month yoga class package or a weekly tennis game with buddies. So many couples run into marriage without fully understanding what they are committing themselves to for the rest of their lives.  This is why many couples fall out when things do not run smoothly. 

MARRIAGE IS A COMMITMENT

Commitment is not easy. It involves challenges, as Tim and Ruth had shared. 

The marriage vows that you are soon going to declare in public to each other are not merely words on a page. They are promises that you are going to hold true in your heart and live it out in action ”for better or for worse”.

As a marriage counselor, I often ask young couples their reasons for getting married.  We frequently hear responses such as “I know I love her and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her”, “I feel I know him very well”, “we enjoy each other’s company” and “I want someone to help make me happy”. I then tell them that these are merely the fringe benefits of marriage and they alone are not strong enough to form the foundation of a marriage.

MARRIAGE IS NOT A CONTRACT

Some couples enter marriage with the expectations of a “contract”. You may also agree.  A contract between two parties requires them to carry out their part of the bargain.  These are conditional clauses or “if” clauses – if you do this, the other person must do this, and vice versa.  But there are no conditional clauses in a marriage relationship.  The solemniser, pastor or priest does not say, “if the wife is submissive to her husband then the husband will carry out the contract” during the wedding. The truth is that marriage is an agreement to journey together even when challenges come your way.

There are many people who get married with an escape clause in mind – if they do not get along they can break the relationship and try again.  They are impatient with their marriages.  They do not want to live “happily ever after”. They want to live happily right away.  Unfortunately, we have learned to demand things to be done immediately but we are not willing to give our time, patience, attention and focus to work for what we want. We want the gold medal without the sacrifice and hard work.

It is imperative to accept and embrace this truth - a good marriage requires hard work.

MARRIAGE IS A JOURNEY

Commitment will inevitably have its challenges, whether in the peaceful routines, the taxing responsibilities or in conflictual times. Commitment also needs to be sustained. It is a conscious decision to do the daily work of keeping the commitment alive. When the going gets tough, as it surely will, the tough get going. It is exactly during difficult times that you get the opportunity to grow as a person and as a couple. 

Marriage is a life-long journey.  Love is not a feeling but a decision to act. Often in the course of my work in preparing couples for marriage, partners will say: “I don’t always feel romantic or have an overwhelming love response to my partner. I have my ‘down” days with her, but I am committed to her, to love her for life!” It is truly heartening to hear such statements from couples.

You must constantly fight to keep your commitment to marriage primary in your lives and resist the pressure to share that commitment with other facets of life. Your level of commitment is the most vital factor in determining the success or failure of your relationship.  After taking that step to give your full commitment to the marriage, you can start to focus your time and energy into making the commitment work.

Challenges and Tips in Commitment

Couples may face some of these in their marriage. Here are some tips to build commitment when these challenges arise.

• Unmet expectations – You and your partner will have differing expectations. 
  Tip – Communicate, adjust and embrace changes gradually.
• Differences – two individuals coming from different family backgrounds, values and beliefs will have differences.
  Tip – Accept differences and see them as growth opportunities.
• Crises – in times of difficulty, it is always tempting to walk away
  Tip – Persevere through crises.
• Sexual Temptation – when emotional needs are not met and boundaries are weak or not drawn
  Tip – Guard your heart, agree on boundaries and keep to those boundaries.
• Marital Drift – Busyness at work can hinder couples from nurturing their relationship.
  Tip – Make an effort to stay connected and maintain emotional intimacy to nurture the closeness

What can be done to maintain commitment in marriage? Goddard and Olsen (2004) have described three practices that make a relationship more enduring.

• Make the relationship primary.
  With many demands on our time, our marriages often only get small fragments of leftover time and energy. This is likely to leave the relationship starved and empty. In contrast, when decisions must be made about how we use our time and energy, the effect on the relationship should be considered.
• Settle limits on intrusions.
  For commitment to thrive, a couple must be willing to set some boundaries. For example, some couples agree not to talk with anyone outside the relationship about their marriage problems unless that person is someone who wants to help them succeed as a couple.
• Build rituals of connection.
  Each couple can design rituals of connection that will sustain relationship commitment. Some couples exercise together or take classes together and share their discoveries with each other. 
  
  I would encourage you to attend marriage enrichment talks to nurture couple commitment and connection.

I have seen too many marital breakdowns in my course of work. What is very clear to me is that too many of them fail to make it their personal mission to take their spouse as the first priority in their lives. Marriage is the beginning of a couple’s journey to discover more about each other and to take steps in making their marriage satisfying and fulfilling.  Tim made a decision to stay committed no matter how dire the situation may be. It was his unconditional love that helped the both of them to overcome their crisis.  It can be tough, but not impossible to do and extremely rewarding. Make the choice – step up your level of commitment, and do everything within your power to make the commitment to work on your marriage.