Why Using Sex as Punishment Always Backfires
2017-09-11

Marriage comes with its own set of ups and downs. When it comes to living under the same roof with your significant other, tension can run high especially when someone hurts the other person’s feelings.

For most of us, our general response from getting hurt is to hurt the person who’s hurt us; in other words, punishment. While the idea of hurting one’s spouse is generally nobody’s intention during marriage, pent up resentment can make even the sweetest of apples turn sour.

In most cases, with marriage comes the availability of sex. While everyone has differing sexual appetites, sex should not be used as a form of punishment as ideally, it should serve as a bonding tool between couples. Yet, many people often use it as a leveraging tool instead — in other words, withholding sex as punishment. The issue about withholding sex is that generally, the feeling it is not often shared by both parties.

While some might argue that withholding sex can actually work as a form of punishment, the truth is that there are a number of people who do not have high sex drives, meaning that they do not rely on sex to maintain a physical and emotional connection.Thus for those who are not voracious in their sexual appetites, withholding sex does not mean punishment to them, but only a barrier to drive away each other even further.

Some people use the notion of withholding sex as a form of gaining control in the relationship, and the same applies whether you are punishing or rewarding someone with it. Others withhold sex because they don’t feel confident enough in the relationship, but the person on the other end may see it as as a form of control. For the most part, spouses who choose to use sex against their partners are usually not able to separate between intimacy in the bedroom vs. the actual problem at hand. 

To be fair, not all of us will be into ‘make-up’ sex after heated arguments, especially when things are still unsettled, and it’s okay to not be ‘in the mood’ for sex sometimes. The thing is, sex should be about connecting with your spouse; if you or your spouse is unhappy about something, then communicate and sort your differences — just talk about your concerns so that they doesn’t leave your spouse second guessing their position with you. For this situation, use your words rather than your body.

It’s also worth noting that when you set aside your differences with each other, you’ll find that sex enables you to form a deeper and closer bond between, allowing you both to solve the issue at hand from a relaxed perspective. 

Withholding sex happens for various reasons, and it is not something uncommon as there are married couples who do so when faced with issues. Yet, if couples find themselves deciding to withhold sex from each other every time a problem arises, then re-evaluation of the marriage should be taken into consideration. In the end, sex should not be about power, but about equality and compassion shared by two people.